I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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