how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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