ya dads aren't the best wingmen
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
