I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
