Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize