it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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