Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
