Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
