did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
