Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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