90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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