Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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