This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
