I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
