We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
