I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The power of my boobs compel you
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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