I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
