Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
