i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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