im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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