He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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