just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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