Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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