You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Too much gin, very little bucket
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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