Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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