know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
