i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
