There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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