he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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