remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
