Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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