so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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