Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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