Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
