He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
