We're facebook friends in real life
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
