So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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