I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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