Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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