I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
