i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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