Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
