The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
