fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
These tits shall not be calmed
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
