My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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