I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
