Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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