lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
