Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
