so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
