so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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