On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
