You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
