he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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