mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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