did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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